and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have
little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this bloke your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me
to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down
often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your ewe?"
Villager: "The sheep's a fucking liar!
believe it, consider these weird deaths:
a.. A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a
river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb
out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.
b.. Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the
dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed
under a low-level bridge -- killing him.
c.. Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so
afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure
his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to
fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
d.. George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly
escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one
wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to
search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.
e.. Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla
sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening
to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and
after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor.
It went ff and killed his wife.
f.. In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her
coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she
suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.
g.. A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay
back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he
was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and
crushed him to death.
h.. Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled
out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and
found himself in the city prison.
i.. In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing
the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung
over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the
road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too
drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic
Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its
wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan.
When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only
one person was hit-Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan
suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis,broken leg, and other assorted
injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.
j.. While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti
came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down.
While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the
farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and
cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car.
When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit
Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by
punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped
down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse,
which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly,
smashing the cart into the sports- car. At this, the sports-car driver
leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to
try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates
rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies
were still trying to sort out the claims.
k.. Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision
in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car
at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact
their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together.
Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't
scratched.
l.. In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged
eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years
in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when
one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting
for a train.
m.. Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant
nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an
elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his
wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor
came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the
opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms
laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the
backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart
attack. Happily,Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his
wife were reconciled.
n.. An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday
Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered
she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and
was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it
was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on
the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into
the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open
and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward
the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the
meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas
man blinked, excused himself and departed.
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman & you slap her
on the ass & say, "You're next!"
--------------------------------
2. What's the difference between a bitch & a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, & a bitch sleeps with
everybody at the party except you.
--------------------------------
3. What's the difference between love, true love & showing off?
Spitting, swallowing & gargling
--------------------------------
4. What 3 words do you dread most while making love?
"Honey, I'm home."
--------------------------------
5. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his arse.
--------------------------------
6. What did the gynaecologist & the pizza deliveryman have in common?
They both get to smell the goods but neither one can eat it.
--------------------------------
7. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
The cake jumps out of the girl.
--------------------------------
8. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.
--------------------------------
9. How is pubic hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.
--------------------------------
10, Why are women & Kentucky Fried Chicken the same?
By the time you're finished with the breast & thighs, all you have
left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
--------------------------------
11. How are tornadoes & marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking & blowing, & in the end you
lose your house.
--------------------------------
12. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump & swim are already in the US.
--------------------------------
13. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.
--------------------------------
14. What's the difference between getting a divorce & getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
--------------------------------
15. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job
16. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
Pleasing!
--------------------------------
17. When is a pixie not a pixie?
when he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
--------------------------------
18. What's the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.
--------------------------------
19. How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
The tongue's still in the envelope.
--------------------------------
20. Which of the following doesn't belong: meat, eggs, blow job?
The blow job. You can beat your eggs, & your meat, but you just can't
beat a blow job.
--------------------------------
21. What's the difference between a blonde & an ironing board?
It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
--------------------------------
22. Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to keep amused.
--------------------------------
23. Why do seagulls have wings?
To beat the gypsies to the tip.
--------------------------------
24. Why did God invent alcohol?
So ugly people can get laid.
--------------------------------
25. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?
Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!" or "house!"
--------------------------------
26. What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?
Your last blow job.
--------------------------------
27. What's the difference between a woman from Wigan & a walrus?
One's got a moustache & smells of fish & the other lives in the sea.
--------------------------------
28. How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled 'Coping with
'Darkness'.
--------------------------------
29. Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of the guide dog.
--------------------------------
30. What have women & condoms got in common?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on the end of your cock.
--------------------------------
31. How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a liquidizer.
--------------------------------
32. What's got four legs & an arm?
A rottweiler.
--------------------------------
33. What do you do if your boiler explodes?
Buy her some flowers.
--------------------------------
34. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Patient!!
--------------------------------
35. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
--------------------------------
36. How is pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them. (quality)
--------------------------------
37. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
--------------------------------
38. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
--------------------------------
39. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!
--------------------------------
40. How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
--------------------------------
41. Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.
--------------------------------
42. Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
--------------------------------
43. Why do Italians wear moustaches?
So they can look like their mother.
--------------------------------
44. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
--------------------------------
45. Did you hear about the new shade of Dulux called "Blonde"?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
--------------------------------
46. Why do women have FOREHEADS?
So you have someplace to kiss them after they give you a BLOWJOB.
--------------------------------
47. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
--------------------------------
48. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
drinks were chosen. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on
almost all counts.
The results:
IF WOMEN DRINK:
Drink : Beer.
Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink : Blender drinks with umbrella.
Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in
the ass.
Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin
boy.
Drink : Mixed drinks - no umbrellas
Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she
wants.
Approach : If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink : Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask)
Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the
conversation.
Drink : Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc
Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and
sophisticated when she actually has absolutely no clue.
Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is...and
you're in.
Drink : Baileys.
Personality : Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach : Stand close and mention the alley next to
the pub.
Drink : Shorts (Vodka, Aftershock etc.).
Personality : Hanging with male pals or looking to
get drunk...and naked.
Approach : Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but
wait.
Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get
laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer : He's poor / student and wants
to get laid.
Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to
get laid.
Bitter : He's old, he likes good beer and wants to
get laid.
Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to
get laid
Wine : He's hoping that the wine thing will give him
a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would shag a
warm
scarf.Desperate to get laid.
Port : Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men
and wants to get laid.
Whisky : He doesn't give two shits about anything and
will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky
drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.)
to weasel himself
into getting laid.
Tequila : Likes fighting almost as much as getting
laid.
Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc :
He's gay
(Blatantly).
Cheers!!!!! =)
34. Korma Chameleon - Culture Club
33. Bhaji Trousers - Madness
32. King Prawn Massala Drinks Are Free - Wham
31. Dansak Queen - Abba
30. Korma People - Pulp
29. Tikka Chance On Me - Abba
28. When I Phall in Love - Nat King Cole
27. You Can't Curry Love - Diana Ross and the Supremes
26. Korma Police - Radiohead
25. Things Can Only Get Bhuna - D:Ream
24. Tears On My Pilau - Kylie Minogue
23. It's Bhuna Hard Days Night - The Beatles
22. Brothers in Naans - Dire Straits
21. Girlfriend in a Korma - The Smiths
20. Pilau Talk - Doris Day
19. It's My Chapati and I Cry If I Want To - Dave Stewart
18. I'm a Bhaji Girl - Aqua
17. Sag Aloo - Black Lace
16. Take That and Chapati - Take That
15. Bhuna Round The World and I Can't Find My Bhaji - Lisa Stansfield
14. I Don't Want To Dansak - Eddie Grant
13. Dansak on the Ceiling - Lionel Richie
12. We Are Jalfrezi - Sister Sledge
11. Vindaloo - Abba
10. I Don't Want to Go to Chutney - Elvis Costello
9. Rice Rice Baby - Vanilla Rice
8. Jalfrezi Jalfrezi Nights - Kiss
7. Tandoori Deliver - Adam and the Ants
6. Love me Tandoor - Elvis Presley
5. We Don't Have to Tikka Clothes Off - Jermaine Jackson
4. Bye Bye Balti - Bay City Rollers
3. Bhuna to be Wild - Steppenwolf
2. Livin' Dhal - Cliff Richard
1. Raita Here, Raita Now - Fatboy Slim
Old Age (Well We'll All Be There One Day)
both Sides of the Sexual Divide
where are all these lessons coming from
Babygreen and some Other Old Friends
Don't blame me shoot the bloody Duck