As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove
up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator
responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm
going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys
in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you
and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how
we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this
with the Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then
you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone
gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot
into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.
The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a
kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."
I love this part......
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.
Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan
took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of
you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have
my own airplane."
Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father
bought him American Airlines.
Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan
took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy.
Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat.
"
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father
bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.
Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan
took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness
into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to
watch cartoons."
Not wanting to look a cheapskate, his father bought him
Disney Studios and their theatres, where he
watched all his favourite cartoons.
Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan
took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to
us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son, who was by now really into the Disney
cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey
Mouse outfit."
Not wanting to appear to be tight, his father
bought him Glasgow Rangers
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men
with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat
heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,
somewhat nice and have money,are cowards.
10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice
and have some money and thank God are heterosexual,are shy and
11.The men who never make the first move, automatically
lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like
grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep
them in the dark until they mature into something
you'd like to have dinner with
2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
3. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
4. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
5. I'M OUT OF OESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN.
6. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
7. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
8. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
9. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
10. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
11. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
12. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
Old Age (Well We'll All Be There One Day)
both Sides of the Sexual Divide
where are all these lessons coming from
Babygreen and some Other Old Friends
Don't blame me shoot the bloody Duck