Any way the Clyde flows
Disnae really mater tae me......tae me.
Haw Maw, just chibbed some bam,
Buckie bottle tae the heid,
An noo the f*ckin' b*stard's deid!
Haw Maw, Um just oan parole,
An noo I'm headin back tae Barlineeeee....
Haw Maw, ooh oohooh ooh,
Never meant tae steal yer purse,
But if I'm no fu' o' smack this time the morra'.
Carry oot, carry oot!
An we'll go oot oan the batter!
Too late, the bailiff's here,
Sends shivers doon ma spine,
Gubbed 10 jellies just in time.
Goodbye all ma muckers, I've got tae go,
Got tae go and rip some wank fae up the scheme.
Haw Maw, ooh oohooh ooh
I'm a jakey bam, I sometimes think I've never been washed at all.
I see a little silhouetto of a bam,
Adidas! Adidas! Can ye get us a kergo?
Thunderbird, White Lightning, very very frightning to me!
Twenty Mayfair,
Twenty Mayfair,
Twenty Mayfair and some skins,
Magnifico oh oh oh oh!
I'm just a fat boy, nae body loves me,
He's just a fat boy fae a fat family!
Spare us a pound fur a wee cup o tea?
Get tae f*ck, skanky slob, will ye get a job?
For f*cksake, No! I will no' get a job! - Get a job!
Forf*cksake, I will no' get a job! - Get a job!
Forf*cksake, Will you get a job? - Get a job!
Will no' get a job, get a job!
Will no' get a job, get a job! No, no, no, no, no, no,
........ Oh
gonorrhoea! gonorrhoea!
gonorrhoea and the clap!
Then doon the pub, has the barman put aside for me? For me, for meeeee!?
So you 'hink you can slash me and pish in my eye?
So ye 'hink ye can chib me an' leave me to die?
Haw bawbag, can't dae this tae me bawbag!
Just wait till I'm oot, just wait till I'm right oot ma nut!
F*ck all really matters, Any one can see,
F*ck all really matters, f*ck all really matters to me!
Any way the Clyde flows.....
Ghost Shit
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.
Teflon Coated Shit
comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit
on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!
Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still
doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you
don't stain it.
This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realise
it.....you've got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're
all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Shit
You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.
Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out
before you get your pants down.
King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you
break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit
usually happens at someone else's house.
Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.
Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!
Cement Block or Oh God Shit
You wish you'd got a spinal block before you shit.
Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least
three feet long.
Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I
get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.
Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.
Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't
smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing
outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's
house.
The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in
The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like
the inside of a cigarette lighter.
The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb
from the waist down.
The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back
to the surface.
The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to
twice it's normal size.
The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.
The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch
in horror as the water starts to rise.
The Toxic Gas Shit
The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you
finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.
Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of
an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need
to take a shit.
Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking anymore
tonight, Paddy"
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls
flat on his face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and
dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his
face.
"Shoite, Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,
feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk.
He falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors do! wn, and crawld to the door and
shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the
stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says
"Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' p*ssed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub
Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
Interested? Then please only read
lines 1, 3 and 5; still interested?
Call me
After the first day, little Bob came home with a very serious look on
his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to
his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Bob was
hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and
to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without
a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for sometime, day after day while the mother tried to
understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Bob brought
home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his
room to hit the books.
With great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her surprise, little
Bob got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Bob looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well then, was it the books... the discipline... the structure... the
uniforms...? WHAT was it?"
Little Bob looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school,
when I saw that guy on the wall nailed to the big plus sign, I knew they
weren't fucking around."
Old Age (Well We'll All Be There One Day)
both Sides of the Sexual Divide
where are all these lessons coming from
Babygreen and some Other Old Friends