From Stud Muffin

oh to be old

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily
dysfunctions.
One seventy-five year old man says, "I have this problem.
I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes
to piss."
An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight
and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally
have a bowel movement."
The ninety year old man says, "At seven I piss like a horse, at eight
I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until nine."

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SEXISM ONCE MORE

A girl walks in to a supermarket and buys the following items:

1 Bar of Soap
1 Toothbrush
1 Tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 apple
1 banana
1 orange
1 plum
1 grapefruit
1 tomato
1 lettuce
1 cabbage
1 baking potato
1 kraft single
1 samosa
1 vegetable pakora
1 muesli bar
1 pie
1 frozen pizza
1 single frozen dinner
The bloke behind her in the queue taps her on the shoulder. He is
carrying a basket with a six pack of stella, a pizza and some Wagon
Wheels.
As she turns he smiles at her and says,
"Single, eh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies
"How did you guess?"
He looks at her - straight in the eyes and gently says
"Because you're minging"

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Fancy Dress

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg has been invited to a
fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and
his leg,
so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note,
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg
you will be just right as a pirate".
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just
emphasised his wooden leg
so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which
says,
"Dear Sir, Sorry about our previous suggestion, please find
enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and,
with your bald head you will really look the part".
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from
emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head
so he writes the company another REALLY rude letter of complaint.

The next week he receives a small parcel and a note which reads,

"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Pour the
tin of golden syrup over your bald head,
stick your wooden leg up your arse
and go as a toffee apple."

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