2. THE CLINTON Virus....
(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
3. THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
4. THE LEWINSKY Virus...
(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then E-mails everyone about what it did)
5. THE RONALD REAGAN Virus....
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
6. THE MIKE TYSON Virus....
(Quits after two bytes)
7. THE OPRAH WINFREY Virus....
(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then
slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200mb)
8. THE JACK KEVORKIAN Virus...
(Deletes all old files)
9. THE ELLEN DEGENERES Virus...
(Disks can no longer be inserted)
10. THE PROZAC Virus...
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your Processor doesn't care)
11. THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO Virus...
(Only attacks minor files)
12. THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER Virus...
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
And my personal favorite...
13. THE LORENA BOBBITT Virus...
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)
Whats brown and looks through yer window?
A nosey shite
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts. The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said,
"No, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
currant.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor,doctor, I can't feel my legs!
" The doctor replied,
"I know you can't,I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft,
it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat
it too.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says,
"I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally,he says,
"I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in
my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my
older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's
Colin.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me
a
lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen. It said,
'Parking Fine.' that was SO nice."
A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest skill.
The first began: "Three years ago, I reattached seven fingers on a pianist.
He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England."
The second replied: "That's nothing. I attended a man in a car accident.
All his arms and legs were severed from his body.
Two years after I reattached them, he won three gold medals
for field events in the Olympics."
The third said: "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy.
He was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on
into a Santa Fe freight train traveling at 100 miles per hour.
All I had to work with was the horse's ass and a ten gallon hat.
Last year he became president of the United States."
D A M I T O L
Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to six hours.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing
the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how
you couldn't wait until they moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence,
and improves flirting.
D U M E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q.
causing enjoyment of Country Western music.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage
and the urge to give the finger to other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as,
"You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency
and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy
so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD
or a book by Dr. Laura.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary or phone number.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager
to share their life stories with total strangers.
S E X C E D R I N
More effective than Excedrin in treating the,
"Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
R A G A M E T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging him
all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and
they lived in London.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English,
but managed to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.
She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation,
lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with chicken legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she
didn't know how say it, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to
show the butcher her breasts.
The lady got what she wanted.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this,
she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll the page down)
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what were you thinking?
?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!!!!!
Now get back to work.
Old Age (Well We'll All Be There One Day)
both Sides of the Sexual Divide
where are all these lessons coming from
Babygreen and some Other Old Friends