Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you will be on your knees sucking my cock.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I get done smackin it to you in the
back of my car I don't give a shit where you go.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: No problem, I can always shoot my load on your back.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me....... as long as you are still a little warm
when I shove it up your ass.
Male: Do you want to dance?
Female: No!
Male: I think you mis-heard me. I said your ass looks fat in that
skirt.
The following questions and answers were collated from last year's GCSE.
Some students must think that, if you don't know an answer, you might get
some marks by making the poor examiners smile.
Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand
its meaning.
Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
What does the word "benign" mean?
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
What is the correct use of a semi-colon?
Only to be used as a last resort, a semi-colon is a partial removal
of the intestines.
Technology
What is a turbine?
Something an Arab wears on his head.
History
What is Britain's highest award for valour in war?
Nelson's column.
R. I.
Who did not welcome the return of the prodigal son?
The fatted calf.
What is a Hindu?
It lays eggs.
Name some famous pilgrimages.
Muslims used to go to Gamages but now it's closed. Christians still
go on pilgrimage to Lord's.
Geography
Name the four seasons.
Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
What is the equator?
A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
Name a greenhouse gas. What could be done to decrease global warming?
Cows make large amounts of methane when they fart. This could be reduced
by fitting them with catalytic converters.
Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
How is dew formed?
The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
What is a planet?
A body of earth surrounded by sky.
What causes the tides in the oceans?
The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
What is a fossil?
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
Biology
What happens to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
Premature death.
How can you delay milk turning sour?
Keep it in the cow.
How are the main parts of the body categorised? (E.g. abdomen.)
The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax
and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the
five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Briefly describe the skeleton and its function in the body.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and
the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is
something to hitch the meat onto.
What is the Fibula?
A small lie.
Where are the Tibia?
They live in a country in North Africa.
What does "varicose" mean?
Nearby.
What is the most common form of birth control?
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
What is the alimentary canal?
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
What is a coma?
A coma is a punctual mark a bit like a period or full stop.
What is a seizure?
A Roman emperor.
What is a terminal illness?
When you are sick at the airport.
Name the types of teeth in an adult human. How many are there of each?
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids,
two molars and eight cuspidors.
Sociology
What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
What is a social node?
A friend you have known for a very long time.
Medical
What is the first thing you would do to someone who has been
immobilised in a road accident?
Rape them tight in a blanket and give them a sweet cup of tea.
What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
The kiss of death.
What should you do with someone you have found unconscious in the
water?
1. Lay them on their backs and give them artificial insemination.
2. Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial
perspiration.
How can you help someone who has fainted?
1. Rub the person's chest or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the
hand instead.
2. Put its head between the knees of the nearest doctor.
What are steroids?
Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
What is a common treatment for a bad nosebleed?
1. Circumcision.
2. Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
How would you treat a head cold?
Use an agonised to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.
What should be done if someone has been bitten by a dog?
Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then
kill it.
What has to be established before giving a blood transfusion?
If the blood is affirmative or negative.
How should you remove dust from the eye?
Pull the eye down over the nose.
What is an enema?
Someone who is not your friend.
Psychology
What is a morbid state?
A stage in a take-over, when a bigger offer is made.
Botany
What can be coloured red, pink, orange or flamingo?
The rectum.
Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.
What is rhubarb?
A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Describe how flowers are most commonly fertilised.
1. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
2. Germination is the process of becoming a German.
3. Fertilisation is the fussing of the male with the female
garments.
Chemistry
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
What is momentum?
What you give a body when they are going away.
What is a vacuum.
A large empty space where the pope lives.
What is a magnet?
Something you find crawling on a dead cat.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would produce
enough sound energy to heat a cup of coffee.
(not worth it when you have a kettle)
If you fart continuously for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(now that's more like it)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps to squirt
blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig)
Banging your head against the wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still not over that pig thing)
Humans and Dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Why isn't the pig included in this list?).
An ant can lift 50 times it's own weight, can pull 30 times it's own
weight and always falls over on it's right side when intoxicated.
(Drinking little bottles of ??)(Did the government pay for this research?)
Polar bears are left handed.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live for 9 days without its head before it starves
to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate with its head still attached
to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
(Hi Honey, I'm home. What the f***)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want
to be a pig. Quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh god. Guess what I just stood
in)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like
that)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too)
Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown, but
it only take 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack them in the face.
The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person
sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write
the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the
first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story.
The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back
and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time
in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely
NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper.
The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English
students:
Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
(Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the
attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important
things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed,
asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty
night over a year ago."A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said
into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established.
No sign of resistance so far..."
But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out
of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt
from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across
the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not
before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing
the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards,
Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful
farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her.She stared out the window, dreaming
of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and
carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract
her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things
around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?"
she pondered wistfully.
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to
live.Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted
wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament
Treaty through congress had left Earth a defenseless target for
the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the
human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty
the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough
firepower to pulverize the entire planet.With no one to stop them,
they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.
The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded.
The President,in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters
on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably
massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and
85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on
the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto
that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
(R)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.
My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate
adolescent
(G)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic
whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of
Valium.
"Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other
sort of FUCKING TEA???
(R)
Oh no I'm such a air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon
novels."
Asshole.
(G)
Bitch.
(R)
Wanker.
(G)
Slut.
(R)
Get fucked.
(G)
Eat shit.
(R)
FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
(G)
Go drink some tea - WHORE..
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with
2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed
$66. He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the
previous week.
The lady answers, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he
turned around and said "Fluc you Amelicans too!"
Old Age (Well We'll All Be There One Day)
both Sides of the Sexual Divide
where are all these lessons coming from
Babygreen and some Other Old Friends
Don't blame me shoot the bloody Duck