From mad mental lindsay

The Lodger

A couple take on an 18-year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house
told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin
bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts,
" she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair
and told her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her so she said: "Next week I'll leave a gap in
the curtains so that you can see for yourself."
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed,
the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there.
Do you have hairs?"
"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.

When the husband got back in she asked: "Did you see?"
"Yes," he said. "But why the fuck did you have to show her yours?"

"Why," she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know," he said, "but the fucking darts team hadn't!"

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Dumb Blonde

1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

3. Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit in the
typewriter.

4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months and the
box said "two to four years."

5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

6. Couldn't call 911 because she couldn't find an "11" on any phone button.

7. When asked what the capital of California was, she answered "C."

8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries.

9. Baked a turkey for five days because the instructions said one hour per
pound and she weighed 125.

10. Couldn't make Kool-Aid because eight cups of water won't fit into those
little packets.

11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.

12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.

13. Changed the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good
up to 20 pounds."

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SEXIST

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure..In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God
created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said
the same thing: "You can have mine."

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Real Tough Guys

A doctor was transferred to a very tough Australian commando base.
On his first day three soldiers turned up to see him.
The first marched in and snapped to attention.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doc.
"I've got piles sir!" shouted soldier.
"How have you been treating them?" asked the doctor as he examined the
soldier.
"I've been rubbing my arse with a wire brush until it bleeds, Sir!"
replied the commando.
The doctor then asked the soldier about his main ambitions in life.
"I want to kill more enemies, sir!" he replied.
The doctor was amazed that a soldier in so much pain just wanted to do
his duty.
The second soldier marched in and told the doctor he had gonorrhea.
"How have you been treating it until now?" asked the doctor.
"I've been rubbing the end of my prick with a wire brush until it
bleeds, sir!"
The doctor then asked him about his ambition in life.
"To kill more enemies, sir!" the soldier replied.
Again the doctor was amazed about the pain threshold of the soldiers.
Finally, the third soldier walked in and the doctor asked him about
his problem.
"I've got ulcerated gums, sir!" the soldier bellowed.
"And how are you treating them?" asked the doctor.
"I've been rubbing my gums with a wire brush until they bleed, sir!"
replied the soldier.
"And what's your ambition in life?" asked the doctor.
"To be the first to use the wire brush, sir!"


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