Yesterday an Irish 2-seater plane, flight number 696934DD,
crashed into Bellview cemetary.
Irish Search and Rescue teams have recovered 875 bodies so far,
digging continues.
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Mary had a little skirt,
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs.
Mary had another skirt,
twas split right up the front
... but she didn't wear that one very often!
Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
but Little Boy Blue and his horn.
Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "Fuck him, He's only an egg."
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
he kissed them too, cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, that dill
forgot her pill
and now they have a son.
Old Mother Hubbard
went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
and gave her a bone of his own.
Little Boy Blew.
Hey, he needed the money!!!
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Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great
price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline
over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him
over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house,
where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner
tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago
about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak
at dinner has to do them." Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she
described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is
saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend,
throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His
girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom
horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later
he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now
his girlfriend is furious,
her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is
complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of
thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up
and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father
backs away from the table and screams,
"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"
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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns
to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as
he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man
turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know
you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm
in room 436."
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Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming
around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights all the other sperms asked
him one day, "Why don't you just swim around like us?" Bob replied, with a
smirk, "well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there". The
others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't. So, the day
finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob
pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed
back. The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "back up boys
it's a BLOW JOB!"
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During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A
torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the
captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or
something - at least they would die laughing. The navigator went down and said
to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by
hitting my dick against the table?" The crew burst laughing. So the navigator
pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the
table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the
captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked
the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. "What did you do?" The
navigator told him how he hit his dick against the table. The captain replied,
"Well, in the future you better be careful with that dick of yours. The
torpedo missed!"
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Little Johnny and his father were walking down the street one day, and two
ladies bumped into one another in front of them. The one lady looked at the
other and slapped her across the face. "You bitch," yelled the one lady.
Stunned, the lady that was slapped yelled out, "You bag." Little Johnny,
never heard those words before, turns to his dad. "Dad, what are bags and
bitches?" "Oh, that's just another name for women," replied his dad. "Oh,
okay," said Johnny. The two make it home and Little Johnny follows his dad up
to the washroom to watch his daddy shave. While shaving, Little Johnny's dad
cuts himself. "Oh shit," he said. "Daddy, what's shit?" asked Little Johnny.
"Oh, that's just another name for shaving your self," replied his father.
Bored, Little Johnny wanders downstairs to find his mother cooking a turkey.
As his mother reached into the oven, she burnt her hand. "Fuck!" she yells.
"Mom, what's fuck?" questionned Johnny. "That's just another word for cooking
the turkey." "Oh, I get it," said Johnny. All of a sudden, the doorbell
rings. "I'll get it!" yells Johnny as he runs to the door. He then opened the
door to find a group of old ladies standing outside. "Hello young man. Are you
parents home?" asked the front lady. "Hello bags and bitches. My dad's
upstairs shitting himself and my mom's downstairs fucking the turkey."
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Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes
for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter,
came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came
to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak.
She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal
passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she
reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the
crotch. In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for?" Tarzan
replied, "Always check for squirrels."
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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a
sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her
legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my God, help
me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local
doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said
"Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir
would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could
use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said
"OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert
it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of
my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out
of your wife's vagina.
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes,
Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of
his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few
gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey
yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper.
After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The
young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.
The doctor,concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself,
he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted,
"Now wait a minute!
What the Hell do you think you're doing?
"The doctor, still concentrating,replied,
"Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
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A middle aged businessman goes to see his physician. "Doctor, I've got this
problem," the man says. "My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every
morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I
leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day she really
works me over.""So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, you
see, my wife is a nymphomaniac," the man continued. "I service her every
morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunch and
then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep." "I still
don't know what your problem is," said the doctor. "You see Doc, every time I
masturbate I get these dizzy spells."
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Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house
and car with them.
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A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on
autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be
capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have
no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead
man's anus, and then licks it.
He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of
them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck
my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."
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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool
and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can
play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd
laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager £50
to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus
starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays
his £50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet
better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his £50. Then a Scotsman walks
up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a
minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you
play it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it?
I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
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Old Age (Well We'll All Be There One Day)
both Sides of the Sexual Divide
where are all these lessons coming from
Babygreen and some Other Old Friends
Don't blame me shoot the bloody Duck