Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Lulu said, "
Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love
tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place."
So they go back to her place and have great sex.
Afterwards, Sean says,If you think that was good,
let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have
even better shex. But while I'm shleeping,
hold my baws in your left hand
and my wullie in your right hand."
Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says,"Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour,
awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says,
" Lulu, that was wonderful.
But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the
besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand
and my wullie in your right hand."
Lulu is now used to the routine and complies,
the results are mind blowing.
Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks,
"Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand
and yer wullie in mah right, stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?"
Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a
Glashwegian,she shtole my wallet!!"
"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making
love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you
both.
Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he
fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasise,
and should bring on a full-blown orgasm. "
They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a
handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves
a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help
and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.
Perplexed, they go back to the therapist. "Okay", he says,
"let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife
and you wave the towel over them. "
Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed
with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand
really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous,
room-shaking, screaming, creaming orgasm.
Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the
shoulder and says to him, triumphantly:
"THAT'S how you wave a fucking towel, sonny! ! ! ! !
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive
with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and
told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that
he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw
nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a
wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.!!!!!!!!!!!
The second speaker from France stood up:
"After last year's Conference I went home and told my husband
that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have
to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the
second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he
had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.!!!!!!!!!!!
The third speaker from Paisley(near Glasgow) stood up:
"Efter last year's Conference ah went hame and tellt ma man
that I wisnae dae'n his cookin', cleanin' or shoppin'
and that he wid huftae dae it himsel'.
Efter the first day ah saw nuhin'. Efter the second day ah saw nuhin'.
But efter the third day I could see a wee bit oot o' ma left eye."
The Frenchman replies, 'Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished
making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way
down her body and zen Ah lick ze soles of her feet wiz
mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy'.
The Irishman says, 'Dat's nottin'. When Oi've
finished shaggin' me bord, I get out of da bed,
walk over to d'window and wipe me knob on the curtain.
She hits the fockin' roof.'
He decided to go to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looked at his
lobster-coloured legs and shook his head. "You must realize that this
is only a small village medical facility," he explained.
"I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this
just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra.
Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra
tablet going to do?"
"Not a thing for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but it will keep
the sheets off your legs."
"Oh my", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the
meaning of this?"
The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry Your Majesty,
but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only
following doctors orders. His body produces too much semen and
his testicles keep overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what
is causing this problem he's been instructed to do that at least
5 times a day or there is a danger that his testicles will
explode, and he would die instantly."
"Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a nubile young nurse
was giving a patient a blow-job "Oh my", said the Queen,
"What's happening in there?"
Same problem,The Doctor replied,
" but he's with BUPA."
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, wont be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempts to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the wanker you sent me instead.
Amen.
I pray for a Girl with big tits.
Amen
The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new
parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you
able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well,
were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second
week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but,
yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well,
were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two
weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a tin of beans on the top shelf and
dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust
and took heavy advantage of her right there and then."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome
in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, sadly
"We're not welcome at Tesco anymore either."
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President.
But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky,
I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer
and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
‘post-it’ notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
AVAILABLE FOR WORK: Of course. That’s why I’m applying.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 – 3:30pm., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to
a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UPTO 50lbs?: 50lbs. of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the appropriate question here would be
“Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be
the winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no, on my breaks, yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy dumb blond supermodel who thinks I’m the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
------------------------------------------------------------
Sainsbury condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Nike Condoms - Just do it
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk
KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good
Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hand
Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load
Abbey National Condoms - because life is complicated enough
Coco Cola Condoms - The real thing
Ever Ready Condoms - keep going and going
Macintosh Condoms - It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple
Pringles Condoms - once you pop, you can’t stop
Burger King Condoms - Home of the Whopper
Goodyear Condoms - “for a longer ride, go wide”
FCUK Condoms - no comment required
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where’s the pain?
Flash Condoms - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hardwork
Halford Condoms - we go the extra mile
Royal Mail Condoms - I saw this and thought of you
Andrex Condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault Condoms - size really does matter!
Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes
Domestos Condoms - gets right under the rim!!
Heineken Condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsburg Condoms - probably the best condom in the world
Mars Condoms - a condom a day helps you work rest and play
AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
Pepperoni Condoms - its a bit of an animal
Polo Condoms - the condom with the hole!! (VERY poor seller !!)
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle
from my house and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy
ladle but the fact remains that one has been missing ever
since you were here for dinner.
Love, John."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother
which read,
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do"
sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you "do not"
sleep with Julie but the fact remains that if she were sleeping
in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now,
Love Mom."
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood & began hassling him about
where he got it.
He told them to pss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until
he finally gave in. "OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with
hundreds of excited bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went across a river & into a huge forest of
trees. Finally he slowed down & all other bats excitedly milled around him,
tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES YES YES!!!" the
bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I Fucking Didn't!"
----------------------------------------------------------
(2) "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
(3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."
(4) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definite won't be."
(5) "Works well when under constant supervision
and cornered like a rat in a trap."
(6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
(7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
(8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
(9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
(10)"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
(11)"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
(12)"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
(13)"A gross ignoramus - - - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
(14)"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
(15)"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
(16)"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
(17)"He's been working with glue too much."
(18)"He would argue with a signpost."
(19)"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
(20)"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
(21)"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
(22)"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
(23)"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
(24)"A prime candidate for natural deselection."
(25)"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
(26)"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
(27)"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
(28)"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
(29)"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
(30)"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans"
(31)"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
(32)"One neuron short of a synapse."
(33)"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
(34)"Takes him 1.5 hours to watch 60 minutes."
(35)"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
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where are all these lessons coming from
Babygreen and some Other Old Friends
Don't blame me shoot the bloody Duck