One in the departure lounge - the need to defecate imminently.
Aeroplane blonde - one who has dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'!
Aeroplane skirt - a skirt with a very long slit up it that goes all
the way up to the 'cockpit'.
Pearl Harbour - cold (weather). This is one I have heard from a fair
few people recently. An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour
out there". Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air ! This comes from
the well-known surprise attack by Japanese planes on the American port
in Hawaii in 1941
(History Lesson Over).
Badly packed kebab - a vulgar (but still excellent) term for the 'vagina'.
Britney Spears - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'beers'. e.g. "Give us a couple of
Britney's will ya Doreen".
Bruce Lee's - erect nipples (as in a pair of hard 'nips').
Bum Gravy-This one speaks for itself ! You may get this after a dodgy curry.
Bunny boiler - an unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit
boiling scene in the film "Fatal Attraction"
e.g. "I don't like the look of her mate, could be a bunny boiler".
Council gritter - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'shitter'. e.g. "Does she take
it up the council ?".
Donald Trump - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'dump' (defecate). e.g. "I'm just
nipping out for a Donald".
Drink-link - a modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because
it is common to visit one before going out on the booze!
Furry monkey - slang term for vagina. As used by Daisy Donovan
on Channel 4,s Eleven O'Clock Show.
Greyhound - a very short skirt. From the fact that a greyhound
(on a racetrack) is close to the hare (hair). i.e. "Blimey look
at the greyhound on that bird!".
Jackson Pollock(s) - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'bollocks' (testicles).
e.g."He needs a good kick in the Jackson's".
Johnny-no-stars - a young man of substandard intelligence, i.e. the typical
adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' bit comes from
the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear
which show their level of training.
Kryptonite - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'web site'. One of the few terms
I've heard for this.
Kung Fu fighter - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'lighter'.
Leo Sayer - an 'all-dayer' (drinking or a rave etc).
Melvyn Bragg - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'fag' (cigarette). e.g. "Oi mate,
can I scrounge a Melvyn off you?".
Mumblers - used when you spot an attractive girl in tight shorts or similar
clothes i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what
they're saying.
Nelson Mandela - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
Pat Cash - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'slash' (to urinate).
Pictures of the queen - paper money, notes. Suggested by Dan Adams.
e.g. "How do you want payin ?", "Pictures of the queen mate !".
Ragman,s coat - untidy and very hairy vagina. e.g. "Yeah, she looks
quite fit but I bet she's got one like a ragmans coat !"
Release a chocolate hostage - to defecate. Have heard this one from a few
people. e.g. " I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage".
Ricockulous - a more extreme version of the word 'ridiculous'. Good for
when you want to add more emphasis.
Salad dodger - an excellent phrase for an overweight person.
Skin chimney - excellent (but disgusting of course) term for vagina.
Spam fritter - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'shitter' (anus).
Similar to "Gary Glitter".
Steve McQueen's - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'jeans'.
Swamp donkey - an unattractive woman. e.g. "Blimey, have you seen those
swamp donkeys sitting in the corner !".
Tart fuel - similar to 'bitch piss', bottled alcopop's regularly drank
by young women.
Tea towel holder - the anus. Derived from the fact that those round plastic
holders that you push tea towels into resemble the anus.
Tropical fish - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'piss', pron. 'pish'
(in a Scottish way ?). An example of an abbreviated way of using
it would be to say "I'm off for a tropie".
Turkish bath - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'laugh'. e.g. "You're 'avin
a Turkish mate !".
Up on blocks - having a period (menstruating). i.e. Out of action,
a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck
tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".
Wallace and Gromit - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.
Wind and kite - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'web site'.
wizards sleeve - a large (cavernous) vagina. I've had
this suggested from a number of people and think it may be
a creation of the 'Viz' comic (popular in the UK).
Wyatt Earp - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'TWERP'.
Wynona Ryder - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. Suggested by James Mellor.
e.g. "Can I have a pint'a Wynola and half a Nelson".
Give VIZ and other comics that "Pulp Fiction feel by reading
the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in
a random order.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken
performance-enhancing drugs by simply running a little bit slower
and letting someone else win.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough
to insulate your loft.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,
sticking half a melon skin on your head, then jumping red lights and
driving the wrong way up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin
in a bowl of iron fillings.
X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking
two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place
the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously "erased".
Wheelchair basketball coaches. Miss out Lourdes from any forthcoming
European tours in order to avoid losing your star players.
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for
costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
Toblerone chocolate bars make ideal "toast racks" for Ritz crackers.
Convince neighbours that you have invented a "SHRINKING" device
by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking
a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker
the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen,
with a Tonka toy of the same description.
Watch their faces in the morning!
Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,
but you'll also be getting paid for it.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes
an inexpensive vibrator.
Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.
Micra Drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before
starting a long journey.You drive the things like sodding dodgem cars
anyway, so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.
Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate
melts you will know that microwaves are escaping and it is time to have
the oven serviced.
Old Age (Well We'll All Be There One Day)
both Sides of the Sexual Divide
where are all these lessons coming from
Babygreen and some Other Old Friends
Don't blame me shoot the bloody Duck