A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food
in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of
tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed
only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says
'What are you supposed to be?'
The man says "A premature ejaculation".
"What?" says the woman.
The man says, "I've just come in my pants."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard
this bullshit before
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't,
I've cut your arms off"
I went to a seafood disco last week....
And pulled a muscle.
A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, "dam"
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how
unemployed youths in Glasgow's suburbs were able to remove a set
of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas
Ferrari's existing crew requires more than 8 seconds using "state of
the art equipment".
Taking on this new crew was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by
Ferrari Management. As most races are won & lost in the pits,
Ferrari would have an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari's expectations were exceeded, as during the Crew's first
practice session; not only were "de boyz fea Weggie" able to change the
tyres in under 6 seconds, but within a further 12 seconds they had
resprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for four
dozen bottle of buckie and a gram of the good weed.
"We will never forget you."
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a
blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly
appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and
symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he
says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for
credentials.Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning
Mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to
be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees David Beckham. Saint Peter
Scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed
to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
Beckham looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, David."
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
it is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup
Group game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room
to find all his team mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game.
We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite
and we can't be bothered".
Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat
these by myself,you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the
Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder
how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on.
A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0
(Ronaldo 10 minutes)".He is beating Scotland all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until
someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on".
They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium
"Brazil 1(Ronaldo 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus McSh!te 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single-handedly got a draw against Scotland!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him.
They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in
his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you
down" "Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And
they only scored at the very very end!" "No, No, I have, I've let you
down... I got sent off after 12 minutes".
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law, (gas cools off when it expands and
heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student,
however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate that souls are
moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can
safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
many souls are entering Hell, lets look
at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of
these religions state that if you are not a
member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more
than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that
all souls go to Hell. With birth and
death rates as they are; we can expect the number of souls in Hell
to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and
pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
during my Freshman year, "...that it will be
a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account
the fact that I still have not succeeded
in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and
thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
Old Age (Well We'll All Be There One Day)
both Sides of the Sexual Divide
where are all these lessons coming from
Babygreen and some Other Old Friends
Don't blame me shoot the bloody Duck