Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots,
who, as a group had only purchased one ticket.
Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots
piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car.
As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!"
and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door.
It was punched, pushed back under the door,
when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats.
The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity.
On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves
and purchased only one ticket.
They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets at all.
Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through,
the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls,
the Englishmen into the other.
Then one of the Scots leaned out,
knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called
"Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door,
he picked it up and quickly closed the door
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"From The Islander"
A little Cockney lad is celebrating his birthday
and his family take him into a sports shop
The little lad picks up a Scotland jersey
and says to his big brother
"I want to be a Scotland supporter.
Can I have this for my birthday?
his brother kicks him in the leg for being so stupid.
He takes the jersey over to his mother who slaps him on the bottom.
Finally he takes the jersey over to his father,
a West Ham and England supporter
who slaps him on the head and drags him out the shop by his hair.
In the car going home the father turns to his crying son and says
Well I hope you learned something today :
Yes, sniffles the wee lad
I've only been a Scotland fan an hour and
I hate you English bastards already.
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"From Anon"
"Glesga Patter"
" This story is allegedly true."
The scene is a Glasgow court and a witness, (a ned) is being
questioned by a rather plummy mouthed Advocate Depute
AD "You say you went up to your friends house that night.
Why did you go there?"
Witness "Tae get a tap."
AD "Is your friend a plumber?"
Witness "Naw."
AD " Are you a plumber?"
Witness "Naw"
The witness is a bit bewildered by this line of questioning and
the AD realises it, but notices that the court police officer is rubbing
his fingers of one hand together in the universal gesture of money.
Daylight apparently dawns on the AD and he changes his line of questioning
accordingly.
AD "So you went to the house to borrow money?"
Witness "Naw."
AD "Ah. You went to the house to lend money?"
Witness "Naw."
In exasperation the AD says, " You told the court you went to your
friend's house for a tap. What kind of tap was it?"
Witness "A Rangers tap."
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"From oor Exhibitionist"
"LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER"
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him
said, "Son,you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will
give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man."Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy,
"He minded his own Fucking business!!"
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"LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY"
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3
women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the
one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied,
"The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,
but I like your way of thinking."
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"LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH:"
Little BILLY returns home from school and says
he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6,"replied BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference? " asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
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"LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:"
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says,
"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words,
class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says,
"Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says,
"No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job."
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"LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:"
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with,
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautiful."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father
that she was pregnant, and he said
"Beautiful, just fucking beautiful"
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" Welfare"
A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up
to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really
rather find a job.
The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing!
We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffer/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, and the suits,
shirts, and ties are provided.
Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be
provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her
overseas holiday trips. The salary is $200,000 a year.
The man said, "You're bullshitting me man!"
The man behind the counter said, "Well, you fucking started it."
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