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2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his
49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him,
while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's
head.
>P>
3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect
safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging
the use of safety goggles on the job. According to
Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory
industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers
suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening
room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven
stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while
watching the film.
4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on
nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating
one within city limits.
5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in
St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene,
fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to
complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
6. Swedish business consultant Ulfaf Trolle laboured 13
years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took
the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it
reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker
confused the copier with the shredder.
7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a
few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for
robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to
see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized
his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse
in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a
suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and
connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and
police pressed the copy button each time they thought the
suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie
detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9. When two service station attendants in Ionia,
Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated
robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still
refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of
walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph
chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the
vehicle to a stop.
Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after
you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five
whole minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall
politely fake one.
Section 1.01. And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying
stuff like "So this is what hot monkey love is all about!" and
howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
Section 1.02. I will never ask for more foreplay.
Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any
relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe
in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by
some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it
will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night
out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled
Himalayan yak and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.
Section 3.01. I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and
longevity in the bedroom.
Section 3.02. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"),
I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead.
Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01. I will never, ever give your penis a cute nickname.
Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel
sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work
and you just lie there, grinning.
Section 5.01. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female
friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual
tendencies.Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide
their car keys so they have to stay.
Section 5.02. I promise to work out at the gym for two hours
a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even
though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to
proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.
Section 5.03. I promise never to bring up your hair loss and
the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
Section 5.04. I promise to shave every possible inch of my body,
and will always love your weekend beard...
Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your
friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met.
Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will
solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men."
Section 7. I understand that mechanical objects like cars,computer
games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension
of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt
to operate them, so you're in charge of anything mechanical.
Section 7.01. With the exception of the following household items:
iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal,
garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers, toilets and vibrators.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.
Signed _____________________________(female)
Date _______________________________
Old Age (Well We'll All Be There One Day)
both Sides of the Sexual Divide
where are all these lessons coming from
Babygreen and some Other Old Friends
Don't blame me shoot the bloody Duck