She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him
behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your
child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big
oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7AM. Signed, The Blonde".
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told
him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000
in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note...
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do
this to another!"
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic
delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt -
prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and
horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands.She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her
voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
"I did? What did I tell you that was so bad?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank downtown, and now
that big bank is in financial trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest most
solvent banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some
mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my
checks and had a stamped note on the back saying....... 'Insufficient
Funds'."
The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer
apparently impaired their aim and, despite of the estimated 35 shots the
group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe
some 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels' deck.
Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can
of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal
out.
After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied
the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again,
to no avail.
Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels
proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping
pipe to toss the match.
The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels
back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He
exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine,"
according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31.
Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over
the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he
travelled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a Doppler Effect
to his scream as he flew overus, "McFadden reported, "Followed by a
loud thud."
Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries. "It was actually
pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a
cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get
hurt."
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first
on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the
sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know, we're going at
night!"
compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up.
She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks
familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the compact.
Patty looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!
could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you!
the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you
are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
"yes/no" type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper
for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out,
removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer
sheet--Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an Hour she is all done
whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few
minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers."
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano,
Wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right,war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE-by Ellen DeGeneres
22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY-by Dennis Rodman
19. THE WILD YEARS-by Al Gore
18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
12. EASY UNIX
11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE
10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER-by Art Garfunkel
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by the EPA
3. BOOK OF FRENCH WAR HEROES
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
Old Age (Well We'll All Be There One Day)